F r i 3 N d.......
Hem, some how, just felt like blogging again... May be its because of the emptiness in my heart.... Ok it relates to a friend...
The person was a very dear friend i treasure a lot when we really got to know each other.. N at that time , i really thought we would become best of friends... But in the end it only lasted for a light to past by...
When thinking about it makes me mad at times for the effort n time i had pumped in to improve the friendship.. But what can i do? Its not up to me to do any thing already.. If the person choose to go the other way, i could only wish the best for the person... As i'm already sick n tired of having to initiate the moves first... Letting every thing go n forgetting what had happen is just so difficult... But i know the person still doesn't know that i'm feeling this way as i know there is no point of me telling as the person doesn't even make me their priority... so why still insist on it... But now the only thing i'm still doing is just to bug in into every thing that's happening... Just to avoid any possible that they might happen to notice my weirdness... But i just looses my interest very easily now than i used to be.. May be i'm really badly hurt that just can't be healed any more...
And with this, it makes me think even more deeply when i had the time... It just keeps me thinking about what am i going to do with life.. I had been neglecting it a very long time by finding things to distract my mind so that i could forget it.. But at the end of the day, i still just have to face it... The fun playing part just doesn't last n its the same as every thing that u have now in life... It will just goes off one day...
But thinking and thinking that i have limited time with lots to think about makes me scared as i am still clueless of what i am going to do with life... What is it that i want in life? N every time when i start thinking about it.. The solution or conclusion i always ended up getting is to commit suicide... But i know if i don;t break this in this life, i would never end ... The next life i would have troubles solving things n commit suicide again.. N i will forever be here going in circle... Then this will never end... I always keep telling my self that suicide's not the solution...
I have been going alot to klcc lately... there was times where i went there alone, i really feel every empty... Its like when u'r needing some one the most, they all disappeared... But this also keep me the time to think about life... what i was going to do... If this plan fail what am i to do next? Is there any back up plan? And by doing this will i ever regret on the decision being made... I'm a very thinking person, i always think before i act.. But at times when my mind is too simple to convey task which is too deep to achieve i tend to just leave it , try it , do it , n only realise i didn't want this result ... The try and error style... But that's rare of me... N u might be finding me blur at times, but that are those times where i'm thinking... about all part of my life... N i tend to wonder around even when i'm playing games on the cell phone... I might be concentrating but i am thinking... Thinking of what i am to do next... I am a person who's very afraid of loosing sigh n loosing track... If i lost my way, i would be fine the first few hours.. but i will panic once i realise i'm lost.. N i could no longer turn back...
For example, i just hated the fact that my dad always like to bring us around kl in the night.. I just don't feel save in kl by night.. It just gives me a feeling that i would lost there... From with some one to no one at all... Lost in this big city where i have nothing n no one with me... A person wondering around like a mad person on streets, where i see cars passes by every minute without bothering other people's business... It just freaks me out at times thinking that i might lost one day alone without any one...
Any way, I just lost hope in doing any thing any more to retain our friendship.. I just feel too tired to do any thing any more... Just too too tired... I cried the last time this occurred.. But i'm just going to tell my self be strong n not to cry... Its not worth... N i even told my self not to entertain the person any more... but i just can't.... Its just hard.. N its even harder to see the person drifting away from me... Putting other person important first.... I'm not being self-fish.. But i think most of the things , ur always first that i think ... From small stuff to sharing secrets... Its because i treasure this friendship alot... But i just don;t know why you wanna throw it away....But what ever it is.. Its ur choice... Its not mine... I'll just follow with the flow... But i'm sorry, by the time u notice about i, i guess its to late to even do any thing already as i'm beginning to let go of our friendship.. Its hard n its painfull i know... But i rather now than later where i will feel hurt even more... I actually didn't ask for any thing, n indeed i think i'm a more flexible person... But may be we weren't meant to be best of friends... So fuck it...
I am already very down... N now this, its bothering me even more... At this stage of life, its the most where you think about your life.. N go through things you would never expect... Some thing that is hard to explain if you haven't gone through... You will understand what i'm saying when your at my position... The most hectic year among those years that i had gone through...
Guess i'm just going to stop here... Till the next time when i feel like blogging.. I'm not sure if i will blog ever now n then, as my mood swings every quickly now... For the first few min i might be very cheerful , But i can't assure u that the next few would be the same.. Pls bear with me for those that i'm always together..... sorry in advance..........
Lastly, i would like to say, a friend in need is not a friend indeed..... Not every one you treat as good as a good friend would treat you back the same....
The person was a very dear friend i treasure a lot when we really got to know each other.. N at that time , i really thought we would become best of friends... But in the end it only lasted for a light to past by...
When thinking about it makes me mad at times for the effort n time i had pumped in to improve the friendship.. But what can i do? Its not up to me to do any thing already.. If the person choose to go the other way, i could only wish the best for the person... As i'm already sick n tired of having to initiate the moves first... Letting every thing go n forgetting what had happen is just so difficult... But i know the person still doesn't know that i'm feeling this way as i know there is no point of me telling as the person doesn't even make me their priority... so why still insist on it... But now the only thing i'm still doing is just to bug in into every thing that's happening... Just to avoid any possible that they might happen to notice my weirdness... But i just looses my interest very easily now than i used to be.. May be i'm really badly hurt that just can't be healed any more...
And with this, it makes me think even more deeply when i had the time... It just keeps me thinking about what am i going to do with life.. I had been neglecting it a very long time by finding things to distract my mind so that i could forget it.. But at the end of the day, i still just have to face it... The fun playing part just doesn't last n its the same as every thing that u have now in life... It will just goes off one day...
But thinking and thinking that i have limited time with lots to think about makes me scared as i am still clueless of what i am going to do with life... What is it that i want in life? N every time when i start thinking about it.. The solution or conclusion i always ended up getting is to commit suicide... But i know if i don;t break this in this life, i would never end ... The next life i would have troubles solving things n commit suicide again.. N i will forever be here going in circle... Then this will never end... I always keep telling my self that suicide's not the solution...
I have been going alot to klcc lately... there was times where i went there alone, i really feel every empty... Its like when u'r needing some one the most, they all disappeared... But this also keep me the time to think about life... what i was going to do... If this plan fail what am i to do next? Is there any back up plan? And by doing this will i ever regret on the decision being made... I'm a very thinking person, i always think before i act.. But at times when my mind is too simple to convey task which is too deep to achieve i tend to just leave it , try it , do it , n only realise i didn't want this result ... The try and error style... But that's rare of me... N u might be finding me blur at times, but that are those times where i'm thinking... about all part of my life... N i tend to wonder around even when i'm playing games on the cell phone... I might be concentrating but i am thinking... Thinking of what i am to do next... I am a person who's very afraid of loosing sigh n loosing track... If i lost my way, i would be fine the first few hours.. but i will panic once i realise i'm lost.. N i could no longer turn back...
For example, i just hated the fact that my dad always like to bring us around kl in the night.. I just don't feel save in kl by night.. It just gives me a feeling that i would lost there... From with some one to no one at all... Lost in this big city where i have nothing n no one with me... A person wondering around like a mad person on streets, where i see cars passes by every minute without bothering other people's business... It just freaks me out at times thinking that i might lost one day alone without any one...
Any way, I just lost hope in doing any thing any more to retain our friendship.. I just feel too tired to do any thing any more... Just too too tired... I cried the last time this occurred.. But i'm just going to tell my self be strong n not to cry... Its not worth... N i even told my self not to entertain the person any more... but i just can't.... Its just hard.. N its even harder to see the person drifting away from me... Putting other person important first.... I'm not being self-fish.. But i think most of the things , ur always first that i think ... From small stuff to sharing secrets... Its because i treasure this friendship alot... But i just don;t know why you wanna throw it away....But what ever it is.. Its ur choice... Its not mine... I'll just follow with the flow... But i'm sorry, by the time u notice about i, i guess its to late to even do any thing already as i'm beginning to let go of our friendship.. Its hard n its painfull i know... But i rather now than later where i will feel hurt even more... I actually didn't ask for any thing, n indeed i think i'm a more flexible person... But may be we weren't meant to be best of friends... So fuck it...
I am already very down... N now this, its bothering me even more... At this stage of life, its the most where you think about your life.. N go through things you would never expect... Some thing that is hard to explain if you haven't gone through... You will understand what i'm saying when your at my position... The most hectic year among those years that i had gone through...
Guess i'm just going to stop here... Till the next time when i feel like blogging.. I'm not sure if i will blog ever now n then, as my mood swings every quickly now... For the first few min i might be very cheerful , But i can't assure u that the next few would be the same.. Pls bear with me for those that i'm always together..... sorry in advance..........
Lastly, i would like to say, a friend in need is not a friend indeed..... Not every one you treat as good as a good friend would treat you back the same....
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